The Cost of Belonging
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In Antiman, Rajiv Mohabir struggles with his identity and connection to his family and heritage. On one side there is his want to get closer to his culture by learning his Aji’s language and to communicate with her better, whether through song or simply including her in conversations during family reunions. On the other hand, his queer side, which he cannot express in front of his family, has to be hidden from them, therefore, preventing him from being able to fully be himself in the very space he is trying to find belonging. At home, surrounded by his family, Mohabir struggles to incorporate himself fully. He is aware of the negative reaction that he will get if word comes out to his father about his sexuality. Hiding such a large part of one’s identity can be straining, and the constant pressure from his mother to conceal that part of himself has certainly drained him and continues to add pressure on maintaining a false version of himself. Outside of his home life, Mohabir also struggles with his identity. When he goes to learn Hindi at his university, Mohabir finds himself surrounded by white people who are more interested in learning this language than some people from his family (Mohabir, 37). These classmates have completely different reasons for being in this program. They might have had a casual interest in the language and culture and took up learning the language out of curiosity, whereas Mohabir’s path toward taking the opportunity to learn his family’s language might have been filled with struggles to understand himself and his history. This stark contrast between the motivations of his classmates for learning Hindi and his own causes a sense of dissonance in Mohabir’s identity and further distances him from his peers. It is this disconnect that produces melancholia in the migrant. Yearning to be a part of a culture so familiar to them, but at the same time struggling with their current circumstances and identity.
This brings up the question of whether migrants can ever fully feel like themselves and find a home away from home. Is there a happy medium where one can incorporate themselves in their host country without sacrificing a part of themselves? What even is home? Is it where Mohabir can never be his full true self in front of his family, being looked down upon by his father for wanting to embrace his heritage? Or is home where Mohabir can express his sexuality but not be a “real Indian” (29)?